Not all adoption all the time

It is a beautiful day here, high above the river. The wind is strong and the waves are crashing over the breakwater. The trees below me are bending and bowing. The sun is shining.  It is, as I said, a beautiful glorious day.  A day on which you are happy to be alive.

I have been reading recently that some of the adoptees are getting tired. Tired of having to be well behaved and perfect and please everybody. I can empathize with that.  Where are you in all of it? Because really the first person you have to please is yourself. Many of us have learned the hard way what happens when to thine own self one is not true.  I get tired of it all too sometimes.

But even when I’m tired, I think it’s good that all the voices are being heard.  Two-thirds of us, and I hesitate to say, the two thirds who were affected the most by adoption, were never heard from at all for a very long time.  God bless the internet, it has its downsides but my aren’t we talking now in a way we have NEVER talked before.  The conversation was one-sided for way too long.




7 Responses to Not all adoption all the time

  1. unsignedmasterpiece says:

    I wouldn’t have said that I had to act as a perfect person around my child but the first time I said no to something I was asked to do all hell broke out.

    I could not have said yes because the request involved another person doing something I knew they could not do because of their work but this one no after many, many freely given yeses caused a lot of trouble.

    I don’t know where that is coming from.

  2. I, too, am tired of having to act perfect. When I am around my natural family, if I don’t at least try to act well-behaved and perfect then my half sister will start talking with our mother and convince her that I am not good for her life. I have problems in my life just like everyone else in this world. There are not many of them thank goodness. My half sister and half brother have a whole lot of problems than I have. I think that my mother is so overwelmed by their problems that she can not handle anyone else’s problems. So I can not have any problems with her. I feel like I am the stable one and she needs that in her life. Therefore, I think being perfect is put on me by them, but I put it on myself also.

  3. suz says:

    As long as there are infertile couples lusting for a child they cannot have and willing to pay anything to get it, there will be a business in baby selling and those buyers and sellers will ignore all the research, twist it, justify it, explain it away, so they can get product to be sold.

    The critical aspect of ceasing the trauma of adoption is to cut off the supply. Preserve the family, respct the mothers, require kinship care and guardianship. Educate young girls on birth control, abstiinence and abortion. Save the mother and you save the child. And if that expectant mother is walked down the adoptino hallway, educate her on ALL aspects of what she is doing. Have her talk to adoptees who love that they were abandoned and those that. Have her read about Primal Wound and decide for herself if she wants to abandon her child to a life that doesnt guarantee a better life but certainly guarantees a different one.

    Cut off the supply.

  4. unsignedmasterpiece says:

    I wish I could say I am young but I am not. I have been in reunion for almost 20 years,

    I think it was the professionals who weren’t listening. I don’t think we lay people knew about this stuff. I have never heard of the first book you quote. I remember looking through our library at university when I was pregnant and all I found was stuff about how only disturbed young women get pregnant. Far be it from me to come to the defense of adoptive parents but I suspect they didn’t know the impact of adoption either.

    I agree with you that now there is an extremely healthy self-interest in perspective adoptive parents turning a blind eye. They are again being told, just like that book that I read in the library way back when, that we who are talking are the sad disgruntled cases. Not so but they want to believe it. I’ve even had friends tell me that I am only hearing the voices of thoses whose adoptions or reunions didn’t go well.

    They cannot entertain the notion that it is something in the fact of adoption itself that is troubling. I feel it works well for one part of the triangle – adoptive parents. And let us not forget the rush it gives people who work in the industry. Who wouldn’t get satisfaction from placing an infant in an extremely grateful couples arms. Just as long as we don’t think about the mother from whose arms the child was ripped.

    There are a lot of myths out there about adoption and I hope we knock some (all) of them down.


  5. Eve says:

    You guys must be young. Before the web, the internet existed. We had usenet newsgroups (alt.adoption, for instance) and, with the popular advent of the web, we had communities and forums in places like Prodigy (now defunct) and AOL. Before then we had newsletters (CUB, Origins, etc.) and organizations; and support groups and so on. This is not new.

    I read the idea that nobody knew what was going on until recently so often that I feel I have to speak out for the old timers. Look at the publication dates of some of the mainstays of the adoption reform movement; this is not new. Jean Paton’s “Orphan Voyage” was published in 1968, 40 years ago; Paton was working with adoptees in the 1940s and writing professionally about it–writing the truth–even back then. The fact is, nobody listened. “The Adoption Triangle” was first published in 1978, 30 years ago. This was another professional writing the truth, again, and for the longest time nobody listened to Annette, either. Here’s a great YouTube interview of Annette Baran, one of the co-authors of that groundbreaking work, and a lifelong social worker and adoption reform advocate:

    Even other professionals didn’t listen to these voices crying in the wilderness; but they kept on writing and advocating. The system resisted when Annette and her colleagues kept pushing for open communication and adoption; but people directly affected by adoption (the ‘triangle’) were the ones who responded and finally gave adoption reform a real platform.

    The reality of adoption relationships continued in a sort of parallel universe all along. People started speaking up as soon as mothers began to figure out that they didn’t just get over giving up their babies or children; as soon as adoptive parents began to figure out that adoption did not just create a new, as-if family; and as soon as adopted people began to grow up and speak and write about their experiences. This isn’t new; it’s just that nobody really listened much; and since people greedy for babies have no reason (or had no reason) to listen to voices of dissent, they didn’t. This continues to be true today; people needing to adopt, and the professionals making a living off of adoption, and those who actually experience adoption, are separated by a wide chasm. I think that chasm is called “self interest.”

    It seems to me that the entire adoption system has barely changed in 30 years, a testament to just how much adoption is about money and greed and not about the reality it imposes on those most affected by it.

  6. suz says:

    True. Those of us that lost our children for not behaving and then went into a life of being perfect know how tiring that can be.

  7. rixgal says:

    True, the blog world has opened my eyes and heart to the world of the adoptee, the birth mom and the adoptive parent like never before. Your blog on the Guatamalan mothers was heart wrenching.

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