Mothers lived with self imposed silence, denying who they really are, because that was all part of the myth.
My son was born during a break from school, I had him, I went back home and then no one talked about it in my family for 18 years until I found him.
If by some chance my son had found my mother, she would have said leave her alone she has gotten on with her life.
I was getting on with my life but there was a big whole in my heart.
Now after being in reunion for many, many years, things have broken down.
It felt to me like my son picked a fight with me. Suddenly things about me that he had warmly embraced were negatives and there were many negative comparisons between me and his adoptive parents, my background versus the culture he was raised in, his relationship with my daughter versus the one his parents fostered with his adopted sister.
He even accused me of being drunk on the phone when I last spoke to him which is totally ridiculous.
I have done a lot of mediation in my professional life and to me the person on the other end of the phone when I last spoke to him just wanted to engage not resolve anything. I feel all the good will has gone out of our relationship. Everything I said got twisted. I was totally frustrated with him. It’s like he wants to feed his anger.
I communicated with his father and he, after receiving the same treatment, has refused to have anything to do with him.
My son is like a completely different person. This is after 20 years! When more accusations came after the phone call, I finally said that’s enough, you need to stop this, stop these attacks.
The next communication was happy mother’s day a few more pleasant emails and then nothing. No response to my last email in response to his or the one’s I have sent since.
What is completely bizarre is that he has told me that this is exactly what his adoptive family did to him, criticized him for everything, believed lies about him and – cut him out.
I have my suspicions about what is going on but so what, that doesn’t change anything. I have wanted to write about this for a long time but I felt the code of silence creeping in on me.
When I tell her about my son’s behaviour, my doctor, who is a wise woman, always says to me – that is abandonment talking.
I think she is right.
My son left his Happy Face Mug here from when he was living with us. Many times over the years I’ve asked him if he wanted it back. He always told me no, he liked that it was here, it made him feel good.
It still sits on my bookcase, I wonder if I should just wrap it up and send it back to him.
Adoption is so fucked up. It makes me very sad.
He lives very far away. I am at a loss about what to do.