My Broken Silence

ImageChef.comOne of the worst things about adoption, right behind losing your child is the lie that you then have to live about the whole experience. The silence that you keep.

Mothers lived with self imposed silence, denying who they really are, because that was all part of the myth.

My son was born during a break from school, I had him, I went back home and then no one talked about it in my family for 18 years until I found him.

If by some chance my son had found my mother, she would have said leave her alone she has gotten on with her life.

I was getting on with my life but there was a big whole in my heart.

Now after being in reunion for many, many years, things have broken down.

It felt to me like my son picked a fight with me. Suddenly things about me that he had warmly embraced were negatives and there were many negative comparisons between me and his adoptive parents, my background versus the culture he was raised in, his relationship with my daughter versus the one his parents fostered with his adopted sister.

He even accused me of being drunk on the phone when I last spoke to him which is totally ridiculous.

I have done a lot of mediation in my professional life and to me the person on the other end of the phone  when I last spoke to him just wanted to engage not resolve anything. I feel all the good will has gone out of our relationship. Everything I said got twisted. I was totally frustrated with him.  It’s like he wants to feed his anger.

I communicated with his father and he, after receiving the same treatment, has refused to have anything to do with him.

My son is like a completely different person. This is after 20 years! When more accusations came after the phone call, I finally said that’s enough, you need to stop this, stop these attacks.

The next communication was happy mother’s day a few more pleasant emails and then nothing. No response to my last email in response to his or the one’s I have sent since.

What is completely bizarre is that he has told me that this is exactly what his adoptive family did to him, criticized him for everything, believed lies about him and – cut him out.

I have my suspicions about what is going on but so what, that doesn’t change anything. I have wanted to write about this for a long time but I felt the code of silence creeping in on me.

When I tell her about my son’s behaviour, my doctor, who is a wise woman, always says to me – that is abandonment talking.

I think she is right.

My son left his Happy Face Mug here from when he was living with us. Many times over the years I’ve asked him if he wanted it back. He always told me no, he liked that it was here, it made him feel good.

It still sits on my bookcase, I wonder if I should just wrap it up and send it back to him.

Adoption is so fucked up. It makes me very sad.

He lives very far away. I am at a loss about what to do.




7 Responses to My Broken Silence

  1. Even after almost 19 years, I some times get upset at the whole adoption thing and start ruining my reunited relationship with my mother. I start getting really “antsy” with our relationship when it is going “really good”. I never, ever thought that I would have such a good relationship with my mother. Instead of getting more secure, I start getting insecure and problems start arising and communication starts getting bad. The thought of “I should have had this years ago” starts popping up and the anger starts setting in.
    When all this starts happening, my mother starts noticing and we end up having a deep conversation about the past and how I feel. She really hates it when we have our “deep discussions”, but for me, it gets me through the insecurities.
    Keep the mug. That way when he comes back to you, he will know exactly where it is!

  2. I’m so sorry to hear this, and sad for you and your son. I hope he is able to realize soon how much you love him, and find solid ground in your relationship again.

  3. Justice says:

    Twenty years later! This means your son is 38?
    My daughter, Joy, and I have been reunited close to 18 years now. I’m hoping our relationship is the reverse of yours because I had years & years of fearing she would disappear. The last few have been much more stable though we still have some ups and downs.

    I would keep the mug. Send your loving. No matter what.

  4. Carol says:

    I am sorry. Adoption messes up so many people, families, relationships. I hate adoption, too.


  5. “…when I last spoke to him just wanted to engage not resolve anything. I feel all the good will has gone out of our relationship. Everything I said got twisted. I was totally frustrated with him. It’s like he wants to feed his anger.”

    UM, I totally get this and your whole post. In the same place with my son. It’s all so wrong. And yes, sad.


  6. unsignedmasterpiece says:

    He is the person I feel saddest about. I think his behaviour says a lot about the atmosphere in which he was raised.

  7. angelle2 says:

    I hate adoption. I have not been in reunion nearly as long as you but even during the shortest perios of non communication I fall back into the “I am not worthy” place where I spent most of my life.

    Perhaps your doctor is right. Your son is now entering into real adulthood and there is a lot of resposibilty that comes with the realization that this is it, your life. And his has been muddled.

    I hear you. Don’t be sad.

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