A Postscript to My Broken Silence

ImageChef.comI wrote in my last post about what was going on with my son because I felt a bit uncomfortable writing about adoption when my own situation was not going so well.  Felt, in a way, as if I was committing a sin of omission.  Or pretending – and god knows there has been enough pretending.

I’m glad I wrote about it.  I actually felt better after I did. The same day I wrote the post I sent a quick email to my son saying I was trying again to reach him.

This morning I received an email from him – subject line  – Adoption.  In it he said he is “moving on” because it is clear he will never be part of my or his father’s family.

I’m sad.  I’m angry.  I’m incredibly frustrated. I am worried about him. I wish I could get through to him somehow.

Adoption, to me, seems to be the gift that just keeps on  #$@&!*$ giving.

Thank you to everyone for their responses to my previous post.  I don’t know any of you on sight but believe me  – your kind words help.

I worry that these experiences will discourage other people from looking.  I hope not.  My son used to say he would probably be in jail if he hadn’t met me.  If that’s true, I’m glad we met, no matter how things turn out in the end.

In my response to his email, I told him that I love him and care about him.  And, that that will not change because of an email and will not change even if I am never able to speak to him again.

And that’s the truth.

I just clicked on one of those “Related Blog Posts” that WordPress sticks at the end of yours.  Automatically generated.  This one was at the bottom of my “My Broken Silence ” post.

All the “related blog” said was this:

He’s haunted by the memory of a lost paradise
In his youth or a dream, he can’t be precise
He’s chained forever to a world that’s departed
It’s not enough, it’s not enough

His blood has frozen and curdled with fright
His knees have trembled and given way in the night
His hand has weakened at the moment of truth
His step has faltered

Pink Floyd ~ Sorrow





6 Responses to A Postscript to My Broken Silence

  1. unsignedmasterpiece says:

    Yes Amyadoptee it is kind of ironic, isn’t it.

    I’d be happy to be your honourary natural mom until the real one straightens up and flies right.

  2. kristysearching says:

    I am so sorry….

  3. Amyadoptee says:

    It really bugs me when adoptees back away. Here I am begging for anything with my natural parents. Anything! Can we just swap? My natural mother can have him and you can have me.

    Adoption does a number on its participants (voluntary or involantary). Its the gift that keeps on giving in a major screwed up way. There are days when I burned out. Then there are days when I am fired up. I spend most of days writing about it. I am consistently amazed at how the industry continues to use and manipulate us. All for the sake of a dollar.

    I hope he realizes what he is missing.

  4. unsignedmasterpiece says:

    I think I understand why it is happening.

    In a way, I feel sadder for him. I truly do worry about him. To say you are cutting ties because you won’t ever be part of either of your birth families while all the while doing everything you can to trash the relationships… It doesn’t make any sense. But sense and logic have not been the hallmarks the last couple of years. As I have said elsewhere, I strongly believe he thinks he needs to make a choice. And I think trashing us, mom. dad, siblings, is the only way he can make it.

    Sometimes when people get really angry with you for reasons you can’t understand, it’s really themselves they are angry with and you just happen to be in the way.

    Not saying I am perfect far from but … well enough said.

    I would do it all over again in a nano second. I have no doubt about that. There are many happy memories.

  5. I am so sorry, Unsigned. And yes, you will love him no matter what, even if you never speak or see each other again. That is what I live with as well, in terms of my son. I try to believe (hope?) that it isn’t forever. I catch myself wondering if it would be better if we’d never met and have to say no. Living with what is now is much better than living with what I could not know before.

    HUGS, Denise

  6. Oy…the reunion business is so damn difficult. The children we give up have no idea how we have suffered for our action. My daughter–with whom basically I had a realtionship for 25 years–would sometimes just turn off. And go away. Once it was because her amom had said that another son (biological, natch) was “her favorite.” So Jane spent the next year cutting off a connection to me to prove to her other mother that she, Jane, really deserved to be considered worthy of her adopter’s love.

    It was heartbreaking for me, and this must be heart-breaking for you.

    lorraine from firstmotherforum.com

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