Now he is attacking my daughter.
Really, shame on him. The attacks, as usual, based on evidence that exists only in his head.
If there is anyone who is truly innocent in this whole adoption thing, it’s her. She was born after I found him and always thought of herself as a person with a big brother, That is until he pulled his first disappearing act.
Shortly after that happened and I cajoled him back into our lives, he wanted my daughter to fly out to his end of the country and visit him on her own. She was 8 years old and his disappearing act made her a bit nervous. She didn’t want to go. That was raised in the two and a half page diatribe. The daughter is now 20 years old. In other words that happened twelve years ago. I didn’t know her not going was that big an issue. It hasn’t been raised before.
His adoptive parents, he said, used to put him on a plane to Europe by himself regularly when he was that age.
I resisted the urge to write back and say oh was that the time that x happened or y happened. All the things that he has told me he suffered at the hands of his immediate and extended adoptive family.
In fact, I don’t think I’m going to be doing any writing or writing back any more. He did tell me in this latest email that he was blocking my email address but whatever – he is into dramatic power plays – that’s easy to get around if I want to but I don’t want to. I think this is it. His father – god love him – just may have been right. He has refused to have anything to do with him anymore and he says he feels better for it. He was tired of being attacked and on trial all the time.
The daughter too is feeling that enough is enough. She says he needs to explore the difference between suspicion and knowledge. I thought it was a very good and accurate turn of phrase.
Trust is an important thing in a relationship and he has done a very good job at destroying the trust in this one in the last almost three years. My doctor – the marathon runner – says adoptees have real issues with trust. I think she is right, as always, about that too.
Right now, his happy face mug is sitting in a sturdy card board box with some packing material around it. When I pulled it off the shelf, I found a rock inside. It is a rock that I picked up the day we went for a ride in the country when I went out to visit him. The wonderful day we had on the 18th anniversary of the day we met. It was supposed to be the crossover year. The start of knowing each other for more time than we had not.
I used to think there was hope as long as that mug was sitting on my bookcase. Now I think having hope is foolish and just prolonging the agony. He has gone over or been pushed into the dark side. I am not exaggerating when I say, I think he feels nothing but hate in his heart for me.
I don’t know how to find my way out of this. I started getting stomach pains after this latest attack. I got them after the last series of attacks before this too. That time I went on medication for my stomach. Not this time.
We are all sad about it. But I really don’t think there is anything we can do. I don’t think he is coming back.
I think he needs help and I don’t say that merely because he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. I have seen this same scenario play out with his girlfriend, his male friends, his former business partner, his father, his father’s kids. I was just naive and stupid enough to think it wouldn’t happen with me. Or my daughter. It can’t be a very happy way to go through life.
How am I coping? I’m OK. I think I just have to learn to accept that it is over.
I repeat my mantra every now and then when I need to. It’s goes like this.
UM – You are not a “nasty piece of work who sees herself as a victim” and you know it.
And I do know it.
I hope he finds peace – those were his father’s words to me too. We really hope he does.