I have been turning to prayer lately. This is not like me.
I am more of the “The Lord helps those who help themselves.” school. And I am not big on organized religion. Did I ever do a post about how I believe the Catholic Church had a big influence on what happened to me and my son and has a lot to answer for? Remind me to do one some day.
I do, however, believe there is a power greater than we know, whether that is God or the universe, I am not sure. Part of the reason I feel this way is the number of things that happened when I was looking for my son. There were forces at work.
But I am not appealing to these forces, I am appealing to God. I do it whenever I have a quiet moment or when I’m waiting in a line or just before I fall asleep.
I would like God to help my son find peace.
And I am not defining peace as meaning he has a relationship with me.
I just want him to find personal peace. I think he needs it desperately and he cannot seem to achieve it.
I believe it is adoption, or maybe just the particular version of it to which he was subjected, that has robbed him of this peace.
He needs to believe in himself, he needs to love himself, he needs to be able to accept love from other people. Right now I don’t think he can do any of those things. Time is passing. He is not in his teens, or twenties or even thirties. I believe he would like to have a wife and a family. Nuclear and extended.
It worries and pains me. I want better for him – I want the best for him – whether it is with me or without me.
Wasn’t that the whole idea in the first place?