adoption, reunion, reform, realIty**
A little over the shock of yesterday. My dog goes in for surgery tomorrow so please think positive thoughts.
If Our Mothers Had Blogs…
I am speaking here of the mothers of the mothers of the adopted. I got to thinking about this when I read over at Joy’s Division about the adoptive mother blogging on behalf of what appears to be an adult adoptee.
If there is one thing that adoptees and Moms agree on it is the fact that adoptive parents have been treated as the voice of adoption for too many years. That bothers us. They are, after all, the people who have benefited from adoption the most. They have not lost anything in adoption; they have gained everything.
In the blog that Joy refers to, the aMom conducts an interview with her adopted daughter. Adopted daughter says all the right things. How adoption has had no impact on her life and how she is happy to have been adopted and has no interest in finding out anything about her family of origins. My son used to say that any adoptee who says that is lying. I have no idea what he would say now but that is what he used to say.
I suspect that in some a parent circles, this kind of a response is a badge of honour. “Our Katie has no interest,” they tell their friends. “Only unhappy, messed up adoptees search, and that certainly isn’t our Katie.” The implication being that we have done our job right. “And we are so thankful because who knows what poor Katie might have found.”
I always suspect that these are the same aparents that will say they have always been supportive of a search but the kid wasn’t interested. Perhaps not really interested or perhaps the kid is no dummy and gets the subliminal message. Searcher = ingrate, disloyal adoptee.
These were the aMom’s questions for her daughter.
I asked her if being adopted had ever been a hindrance to her in any way, “No”
Was it ever? “No”
Do you wish, or have you ever wished you weren’t adopted? “No”
Have you ever wanted to search for your biological roots? “No”
Why mother started speaking about adoption I don’t know. It seemed a propos of nothing, given what the rest of the post was about: Her daughter trying to win a singing contest. Maybe it was just her way of taking out the big stamp that says MINE!
So to go back to my original point, this got me thinking, what would my mother have said if she was out here in the blogosphere and writing about me and adoption.
Q & A
Mom: Is giving the baby up for adoption having any negative impact on your life?
Mom: Did it ever?
Daughter: Oh no.
Mom: Do you ever wish you hadn’t given the baby up for adoption?
Mom: Have you ever wanted to search for the baby you etc., etc.
There is a danger when one group of people who have no understanding decide to speak for another group who lives with the issues.
If my son found my parents first instead of me he would have been told that I was happy, I had no interest in digging up the past and he should go home and honour the excellent adoptive parents that had no doubt been chosen for him.
The Q & A is imaginary only because my Mom doesn’t have a blog but the content and her speculation about the answers is not imaginary. That is what she believed or wanted to believe.
The truth, of course, lay elsewhere.