April 10th is Always Mother’s Day to Me…

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

UM

It is now 26 years since I met my son on April 10th, 1987.  I have written and celebrated that day many times.  If you would like to read a couple of those posts that reflect on that day,  here they are. 2011 is complete with photographs.

2011, 2012.

Meeting my son  changed my life for the better. I still celebrate it even though for the last eight years things have not been going so well. For the last four years they haven’t been going period.  I have made a few attempts to reach out to him. I never wrote about them here because I don’t really believe in giving a blow by blow description of everything that’s going on.  Let’s just say, things remain the same. Read the rest of this entry »

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Talk to the Hand Adoption…

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Just talk to the hand adoption!


Y is for Y Not? The Big Bang Theory (And Adoption)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

NaBloPoMo Blog#432 Day 29

adoption, reunion, reform, realitY

My penultimate post for NaBloPoMo.  I decided to write about whatever I want to write about today.  I am still dealing with the elderly parent issues and the doggie just came home from the vet’s post surgery.

Tomorrow I am going to talk about the whole NaBloPoMo experience.  But today:

Thank You Cheesecake Factory – The Big Bang Theory (and Adoption)

As readers of this blog know, I am crazy about Madmen. But my other favourite show is the Big Bang Theory.

What’s not to like with the excellent writing and the theme song by The Bakenaked Ladies, a Canadian band. The women on the Big Bang Theory fare a whole lot better than the women on Madmen where those 60’s guys are not very evolved.

My favourite character on the Big Bang Theory is Howard Wolowitz. He’s the least educated of the four guys, holding a mere masters degree in engineering from MIT to their three PhD’s in Physics.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about why I like him the best. In some ways, I really don’t understand it. He lives with his mother for one thing. I mean everybody knows – Never date a guy who lives with his mother.

His clothes are a joke.  He always dresses in shirt and turtle neck. He’s coordinated.  Too coordinated.  Way too coordinated.  You can tell a lot of thought has gone into that wardrobe but it totally fails too.   It, the wardrobe, like his bachelor-pad bedroom in his mother’s house, is right out of 1975.  A time when, by my calculations, Howard was not yet born.

He drives a scooter. He seems to think it’s a Harley.  Howard comes on to women in ways that are just way too much and way too creepy.  Yet there is something endearing about him.

What is it? Howard Wolowitz is always looking for love.  On the surface it appears to be sex but I think it is really about love.

Howard is trying so hard.   It’s so sad that he goes about it in a way that pretty much guarantees he is not going to get what he wants.  And he can’t see what is getting in his way.

Among other things, Howard’s relationship with his mother is a tad symbiotic.

Sweet Bernadette...

She screams at him. He screams at her.  (Proving that living with your biological parents can be no picnic sometimes too.) He says it is hell living with her but when an opportunity to move out of her house and in with one of the guys comes his way, he can’t take it.  You can tell he’s afraid.

Simon Helberg, the actor who plays Howard, takes more risks than any of the other actors on the show.  He shows us his vulnerability.  He bursts into tears when he finds an old “Alph” toy because it was just such a toy that was his comfort when his father walked out on his mother – and him.  And he can humiliate himself wonderfully.  There’s the time he sang the song “Bernadette” by the Four Tops for his girlfriend when she was mad at him.

Somebody told me once that when adoptees meet their mothers they project the parenting style of their adoptive mother onto their mothers.

Sort of like Howard tried to do with Bernadette.

When Howard braves his mother’s wrath and moves in briefly with Bernadette, unconsciously he tries to turn her into his mother.  Bernadette cares enough about herself and him to call him on it.

Yes Howard may have a masters degree from MIT but, about some things, like love, he is not so smart.

Peace

UM


A is for All You Need Is …

Friday, November 25, 2011

NaBloPoMo Blog#432 Day 25

adoption, reunion, ref0rm, reAlity**

If there was one thing I wanted for my son is was that he be well-loved not just by his adoptive parents/family as a child but all through his life.

A long time ago a priest told an assembly at my school that love is the willing of good to another.

This definition, simple though it may be, is one of the most accurate I have ever found.

It speaks to the selflessness of love.  Someone who loves you always has your best interests at heart.  Your interests over their own.

Thinking this was what I wanted to write about today I started looking for other sayings about love.  I was trying to find the one you often hear at weddings. Love is kind, love is etc.  Haven’t found it yet but came across a few others.

Like this one:

We can only learn to love by loving.
Iris Murdoch

Or this one:

Never marry the first person you see Casablanca with.
Kinky Friedman

Or this one:

Love consists in this: that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.
Rainer Maria Rilke

When I was at the adoption conference in Boston last year I heard adoptee Kate St Vincent Vogl speak. She said when she reconnected with her first mother, her adoptive father said you can’t have too much love. I hope I have this right because I think Kate’s Dad is quote worthy too.

As new babies are being born into our family and I sit with other family members prior to their birth, I always think of how your life begins long before your official arrival date. There is a whole circle of love waiting with happy anticipation. I can’t help but think that somehow those babies truly do feel the love that is waiting for them.

How sad that our children didn’t have this with their own families. As I write this I just shake my head and wonder who thought that it was a solution to anything to just give that baby away no matter who else’s problem that was going to solve.

Yesterday I turned on Dr. Phil. I am somewhat ashamed to admit I sometimes do that to mock. But yesterday the show was about adoption reunion. It was The Locator guy. The guy who says he rebuilds families.

There were three sisters looking for their sister who in fact was looking for them – or anybody!  Some family.

Sadly the adoptee’s mom had died but when they brought her on stage they unveiled a photograph of her mother and for the first time she looked upon her mother’s face. It looked very much like her own.  And although I was holding it together I let out a little cry.  A half a sob.  Involuntary.

The adoptee had not had a good adoption experience and her new found sisters told her that their mother changed after the adoption which they only understood much later.  She became angry, abusive and bitter.  The adoptee was the result of an affair in the midst of a divorce.  Because of the adoption everyone’s life took a hit.

The sisters were all very happy to have found each other. And though I know reunions can often be a rocky road, (Boy do I know.) I felt good about these four women who looked so much alike and who were trying to reclaim the family that was taken away from them all in many and different kinds of ways.

They gazed upon each other with great affection in their eyes.  I wish them well.

I never did find the wedding ceremony quote about love but I did find this one.

To love a person is to know the song that is in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.
Anonymous

If you have someone in your life make sure you do this for each other.

Who could ask for anything more than to be reminded of who you really are.

That is a real gift of love.

Peace

UM
** For new readers, I am working through the letters in these words as my writing prompts during NaBloPoMo 2011.

Love, Hope and Changing (the Adoption) World

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

20110823-054533.jpg

Like people touched by adoption, we Canadians think a lot about defining our identity. We are sure we aren’t Americans and we believe in universal healthcare but past that sometimes it gets a little fuzzy.

We suffered a loss recently here in Canada. The person we lost was the leader of the opposition in parliament. He knew who we are as a country, he had no doubt. He had vision for how good we could be and he fought hard for that vision. He believed in us. He died on Monday.

I put some flowers in front of his house yesterday. It was a small Toronto house, a lot like my own. There was no security, although all the curtains were closed. The front porch was covered in flowers and there was a condolence book to sign.

People in Canada, regardless of their politics, believed him to be an ethical man. They also believed he sincerely cared about them and their lives.

So much did he care about us all that he wrote us a letter when he knew he wasn’t going to win his fight with cancer. It was to be released after his death.

The letter has struck a chord with everyone. Particularly the last paragraph. If you look closely at the sketch of him above the words of the last paragraph are written there. Within hours they had been inscribed on a poster which is available at very little cost. He said:

My friends,
Love is better than anger.
Hope is better than fear.
Optimism is better than despair.
So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic.
And together we will change the world.

And that, of course, made me think about adoption. Sometimes there is a lot of anger. Sometimes there is a lot of fear. And while there may not be despair there is sometimes a lack of faith. A deficit of optimism. And that’s too bad.

I promised myself I would only post once a month but the events that I have described here coupled with what has been going on at First Mother Forum (link to the right) has made me think that even though I just posted on Sunday, the time to post this is now not in late September.

I guess this is an Unsigned Masterpiece special edition.

If those of you who aren’t from Canada want to know more about this man, google “Jack Layton” or “Jack Layton’s last letter” and you will see why we in Canada are so sad. We have lost someone special. Someone who wanted to help us all do and be better.

So let us all try to do a little better because he is right, love is better than anger.

Peace

UM