The Stones of December

UM

There was an outcry when this Kay Jewellers commercial hit the airwaves a while back. Many who have observed adoption from the other side of that happy scene wondered if Kay Jewellers would design another heart, one that reflected the experience of the mother of the beautiful baby handed over to the fawning couple. He calls her “Mom” but somewhere there the mother who gave birth to this baby is probably crying herself to sleep every night.

In response, an independent jeweller designed her own pendant that more truthfully reflected the realities of adoption – a torn heart.  Each heart has a stone. I was thinking about the stone I would put on the pendant should I order one.  My son was born in December and that

My Grandfather

would mean a turquoise.

As soon as I thought of a turquoise, a memory flashed into my mind.  It was of a ring that my grandfather used to wear, a small ring and it too had a turquoise.

Not certain if my memory served me correctly, I called my aunt. Although she was no longer sure of its whereabouts, she confirmed that my grandfather did have such a ring.  My grandfather, like my son, was born in December.

A lot of people in my family were born in December. My grandfather, my uncles, my cousin, my nephew, my aunt, my brother-in-law.

It’s funny how birthdays cluster in families.  I don’t think it is intentional but it does seem to happen a lot.  Most of the family birthdays are within a couple of days of my son’s. My grandfather’s within a week.

When I found him, my son’s adoptive parents lived about a block away from my grandparent’s house.  Family clusters.

Peace

UM

 

 

Adoption Should be A Last Resort…

It’s always good when people “Get it” particularly if that person is an adoptive parent.  From Red Thread Broken – Why I (An Adoptive Parent) Am Not Pro Adoption.

It is my belief that children belong with their first families whenever possible. Adoption should be a last resort and should be about finding appropriate families for children, not children for families. This means understanding that adoption is built on loss, and that loss is often permanent of first parents, siblings, a whole kinship system, … cultural identity, and a sense of wholeness. Adoption is not a one time act where the door to one life closes and a new, better one begins. It is a life long process of self discovery and integration, with pain, confusion, and living with dualities often regular companions. We first must be willing to see that it is arrogant to assume that having more things, opportunities, and wealth is a fair trade off for losing that first family. If we value family, we will value [first families]. (Emphasis Added)

 

UM

Just a reminder about the Unsigned Masterpiece typewriter.

When you see it in the upper left hand corner of a post, it means the post was written by me.

If you don’t see it there, I’m linking to something written by someone else.

Peace

UM

Memories of Mother’s Days

UM

One of the nicest Mother’s Day I ever spent was in Paris.  It wasn’t our Mother’s Day; it was French Mother’s Day which as far as I can tell comes the last Sunday in May.  My husband and I rented an apartment in Paris near the Place des Vosges and our daughter flew over to spend the weekend with us. We didn’t realize it was Mother’s Day in France when we made the arrangements. It just worked out that way.

Mother’s Day in Paris

My daughter insisted that we NOT meet her at the airport so we agreed to meet at the RER station near Notre Dame. The RER is the train that comes in from the airport.  We spent an anxious hour when she arrived about an hour and a half later than we expected. The Paris gendarmerie were starting to look at my husband and I with suspicion because we were hanging around the square in front of Notre Dame for so long.  But she got there (delay in coming through customs) about five minutes before my official panic time and we had a great weekend.

You have to start somewhere…

UM

UM has been silent for quite awhile.  Things were going on that I won’t go into here.  Do I want to start writing my blog again?  To be honest I’m not sure.

Do I still believe in adoption reform and adoption activism? You bet.

I am encouraged by all the great voices that are out there. All the people that are starting to get it.  All the people who call individuals and institutions out when they spout the old adoption party line – ignoring all the voices, mainly adoptees and mothers, that say the party line is inaccurate, self-serving and offensive.

I think slowly things are changing.

I’ve seen many, many posts that I wanted to pass on but didn’t so today I am going to do it.  because, as I said, you have to start somewhere.  One is about adoptee anger and how it just may be justified and the other two are  about the burden of being told you must feel grateful for being adopted.

Here they are. All written by adoptees:

Why Anger is Necessary

and

Who Is Entitled to My Gratitude

Adoptees’ Perspective on Love

And one more, also by an adoptee, that kind of reflects how I feel sometimes.

Adoption Doesn’t Feel Real

Peace

UM

Mothers Day

When I was pregnant with my son, pretty much alone and terrified, one of the last entries in my diary was noting that it was Mother’s Day. I notice i often stop writing when things are really troubling me. I think that Mother’s Day when as far as the rest of the world was concerned I was not worthy to be a mother was pretty much the worst one I have ever spent. It was a long way to December when my son was born. To be alone is a terrible thing. To be given the message that you are not worthy is a terrible and sad thing. It is also a lie. Everyone is worthy. I was worthy. More than worthy. So was my son.

I think often of adoptees who have gone in search of their mothers and found them wanting. Wanting in love for them. Rejecting of them in reunion. I don’t understand that. Studies have shown that a very high percentage, around 95%, want to meet their children lost to adoption.

When I read of rejections I want to write to the adoptee and say how sorry I am. I’d like write to the mother too. I don’t understand their response but maybe at some level I do.

When you lose a child to adoption the only way to survive in a world that refuses to talk about or acknowledge your loss is to shut down some part of you. I think sometimes that this is what these mothers fear, opening a flood gate and being overwhelmed by the pain. It is a legitimate fear.

At reunion you truly discover what you have lost. Or maybe you just allow yourself to feel the loss in a way you have never felt it before. I think adoptees go through this too particularly when they have been raised to believe they were rescued from a terrible fate only to discover that may not be true. The original fate if it had been allowed to play out, may not have been that bad. In fact, it might, with a little support, been quite good. Might even have been better.

Strangely, it was my son’s father who taught me something about children. When I found my son, his other children were in their late teens. (His son is 10 months younger than my son – but that’s a another post for another day.). My son’s father said to me, “Sometimes, if you let them, children will help you.” I believe that to be true in a general way but I’m not so sure it’s true for parents and children who have been lost to each other through adoption. I think the feelings of abandonment are too strong. And so the dance of hurt begins.

Sadly sometimes the hurt wins.

I’m not sure why I wrote about all of that. It just came out. I was going to write about how last year I had two Mother’s Days, one here the other in Paris France. So I’ll talk a bit about that now.

By happy coincidence my daughter was there for both of them. France celebrates Mother’s Day later in May. Both Mother’s Days were very She came to spend the weekend with us. Wonderful! In Paris, we went to lunch at the rooftop restaurant, Centre Georges Pompidou. It has a magnificent view of the city. I highly recommend it.

Thinking about my two Mother’s Days got me thinking about the whole Mother’s Day – Birth Mother’s Day debate.

Why don’t we change the name of this day? Why don’t we just move that apostrophe. Or get rid of it all together.

Mothers’ Day. Would that solve the problem? No need for the separate but allegedly equal Mother’s Day and birth mother’s day (There are no capitals there on purpose.)

Mothers Day. I kind of like it.

Much wisdom, per usual, over at The Declassified Adoptee on the subject of having two mothers.

Happy Mothers Day to all mothers and their children.

We are going out tomorrow because my daughter had to work today. She works hard I am proud to be her mother. I am proud to be my son’s mother too.

Peace

UM